A Recipe for Overcoming Heartbreak

For much of our evolutionary history, humans lived in tribes consisting of the same ~150 people. Historically, we only ever felt the emotion of grief when someone died. We can no longer talk to them, and so we grieve their loss in our lives.  But in modern life, a previous romantic partner may not be dead, and instead just lives a few miles down the road. This is unnatural, evolutionarily speaking, but so are many things in modern life: we just have to adapt. According to the science of attachment theory (a scientifically grounded framework within psychology which helps explain interpersonal bonding), there are good and bad ways to process heartbreak.  From Dr. Amir Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller's book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love: What proved through evolution to have a strong survival advantage is a human couple becoming one physiological unit. They are a part of me, and I will do anything to save them; having such a vested interest in the well-being of another person translates into a very important survival advantage for both parties. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. [One study] found that if you have a mild form of high blood pressure, being in a satisfying marriage is good for you; spending time in the presence of your partner actually benefits you by lowering your blood pressure to healthier levels. Once there is a physiological relationship formed between two people, losing that bond can be incredibly dysregulating: [This is what] heartbreak is all about—the longing for someone who is no longer available to us when our biological and emotional makeup is programmed to try to win them back. Even if your rational mind knows [that you’re no longer] with this person, your attachment system doesn’t always comply. The process of attachment follows its own course and its own schedule. This me