Lying and Not Lying to Kids

I have very strong views on lying to kids: I think you both should and shouldn't do it. "Lying" covers a range, including saying things that hurt your kids and your relationship with them, and others that help them grow into an appropriately skeptical adult. The distinction is whether I'm leaving them believing something false. For example, if my kids were asking for ice cream and I thought they'd already had too much sugar, I might be tempted to say "sorry, we're out of ice cream." Or if there's an ice cream truck and I think it's overpriced I might be tempted to say "sorry, I don't have any cash on me." But I'm not willing to say something false with the goal of causing them to believe something false. [1] In addition to that just being wrong: • It's important that the kids know that I'm fundamentally on their side, and lying for my convenience would burn trust when they'd eventually figure it out. • Kids are building a model of what is and is not ok, and "out of ice cream" and "no cash" lead them in the wrong direction. Instead I would say "sorry, you already had candy" or "the ice cream costs more than I'm willing to pay" (which opens the door for them to offer to spend their allowance). Maybe they fuss, but they generally don't: I try hard to be predictable so this won't be much of a surprise to them, and they know I won't give in to extended fussing. On the other hand, some false things I might say [2] about ice cream: • "Ice cream is actually cold mashed potatoes" • "We should eat ice cream for every meal" • "I'm going to put your ice cream in the microwave" • "When you're done with your ice cream, put it down your sister's back" In all of these I'm saying a thing I think is false, but, very importantly, I'm not going to let the conversation end with them believing something false. Either they will realize it's false immediately, or I'll need to accept that my playfulness was miscalibrated to their perception and disclose the lie. This builds