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Relationships are hard, but having an avoidant attachment makes relationships a hell of a lot harder.
Within attachment theory (which helps explain interpersonal bonding), it’s known that ~25% of the population uses avoidant attachment strategies to escape intimacy. Why? Because emotional intimacy and being vulnerable with a romantic partner causes them significant discomfort.
But why does it cause them discomfort? Prior experiences (usually stemming from childhood) instilled in them that their emotional needs would not be met by their primary caregivers. And when someone’s needs are repeatedly not met, they subconsciously suppress those needs rather than face the daily pain of rejection.
That learned strategy—to shut down when attempting to seek emotional intimacy—can persist long into adulthood.
Emotional loneliness is at the core of avoidant attachmentIn the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, the author explains that:
What happens when … immature parents lack the emotional responsiveness necessary to meet their children’s emotional needs? The result is emotional neglect.
Emotional neglect in childhood leads to painful emotional loneliness that can have a long-term negative impact on a person’s choices regarding relationships and intimate partners.
The author further describes how emotional loneliness can develop in children:
Emotional Loneliness: Parents who are emotionally immature are so self-preoccupied that they don’t notice their children’s inner experiences. In addition, they discount feelings, and they fear emotional intimacy. They’re uncomfortable with their own emotional needs and therefore have no idea how to offer support at an emotional level. Such parents may even become nervous and angry if their children get upset, punishing them instead of comforting them. These reactions shut down children’s instinctive urge to reach out, closing the door to emotional contact.
For some people, emotional loneliness is their default state, but it